o.o

yeah , first thing that comes to my mind is " f**king long no blog " can't believe i did this to my blog ):

anyway , recently , well nothing much really goes on . currently i'm on bus on the way to school . and i'm having a flu , since last night . i mean i was having flu last night and i was holding on to a piece of tissue hoping that i won't fall asleep with some eew stuff flowing out my nose . ughh ... and yeah , the flu didn't went away and it's still here . best part , it's only one nostril having the flu . fantastic . feels super weird .

alright , enough bout' nostrils . the only stressing part i have academically now , i dnt . seriously . i feel like i'm struggling just to come out with designs or even sentences for design brief or some stuff . i mean i'm totally miss slack for dnt . i totally ignored it whenever i'm able to . it's as if i can live smoothly without guilts of " shit , i haven't done my dnt " seriously ? i've thoughts of dropping the subject . reason , well , it's just seems like i don't even need that subject . i can do without that subject . and even whether i drop that subject or not , it doesn't seem like there's any diff . i got ungraded for dnt during my dnt , fyi . but what's stopping me is 2 things . first , i don't want to give up on something that i've decided on my own . i don't want and don't like . second , my good friend have dropped the subject earlier this year . she's the only person with me that got ungraded for n level . and currently , she's the only one who dropped that subject . and i've been thinking of dropping that subject . but friends around me has been thinking i just wanna copy her or something . wtf , i'm her good friend , not photocopier . i don't have to be like her okay ? god damn it . it's quite irritating . thought i still love that fat ass (:

woo ! recently , i grew on this singer , yes kpop , a singer call se7en . i mean i've seen him acting in this korean show . prince hour i think ? he's been cute in that show . from immature little boy to grown up romantic prince . aww .. still , he's a singer . didn't know till i somewhat google bout that show . currently i'm listening to his song . he sings good love song , good i really mean . and i heard he's got this 10 years long term relationship actress girlf . she the female cast in his " somebody else " mv . forgot what's her name . but i remember i saw her on some show . forgot what show too . anyway , she's pretty . and they look good together . handsome with pwetty . woo .. btw , way to go ! how i wish i've a long term relationship too .

heartwrenching

i've no idea why . i'm thinking of him suddenly . him as in mr 13/4 . yeah , friday the 13th . and i'm crying deep down inside . i don't know is any of you had felt this way before : there's no tears from your eyes . but somewhat , somehow , deep down inside you know there's this you crying like mad . crying so hard that you have the symptons of after crying such as running nose and sobs .

today just before i'm gonna sleep , my wish for my dream is : " did he really 2-timed me ? " . no joke . i've asked him before he said no . i saw lies in his eyes and heard lies from his voice . his friends said he's with that girl . i choosed to listen to his friends and left , heartlessly . but what i'm thinking now is , did i misunderstand him ?

i had the urge to call zhaoen or contact his friends to help me ask him out to meet me face to face to answer me my doubts . i know if the people around knows if i asked him out just to find out my answer , i'll be killed . and zhaoen wouldn't help me . he may help , but he'll be super angry . but i really want so badly to know . the instance we broke up till now . how long has it been ? 1 year + ? i know i'll regret if i don't find out . but i want to ask him about it only when he's single . i don't want to seem as if i'm psycho-ing him or something to his girlf if he's attach . i just want to know it peacefully . but when i went to check on fb , he's attach . and secondly , that girl has been with him , if i'm not wrong , since last year . which is actually a few months already . that tells me he really love that girl . i'm glad just like i've wished , he's having a sweet and long relationship . a better one with a better girl . i'm really glad . but why it is that , it felt like a knife just drive through my heart ? i'm serious . that's how i'm feeling .

i know he's not the same . and maybe if all between us was really a misunderstanding , he didn't lied , he'll never forgive me . we'll just be strangers forever . he has freedom now . probably a relationship with both side parents agreed . a blessed relationship , long lasting sweet , better relationship . he might have forgotten me . he might have forgotten what we shared . me ? never . everywhere i go there'll be something , somewhere , somewhat , somehow , that'll link to him . he's the sweetest guy i've ever been with . he's the guy who understands me most that i've ever been . he's the guy who made me realise " i've fallen in love " . i don't need anything . i just need that answer . that's all . whether if he'll ever hate me , i'm fine with it . whether he lied or not , i deserve it .

why hide behind the net ?

went back malaysia for some stuff and got to find out some ridiculously lame things . okay , if it's just relatives around my age or bigger€/younger by a few age , then it's reasonable . madm' , 21st century , 50 plus years old i think , and you're full of lame shit ? seriously ? saying stuff on the net about how pitiful you are , getting quotes or sayings from your favourite writer or speech person , and bad mouth your own family people like no tomorrow . best part is , they're in your friend list . hey , you really think we're all dumb . no doubt that , of course , you can complain and write whatever you want in the net , still . okay , you're the one who mention a part something related to the family also not union anymore , and what got people die already then start burning stuff as if they're super good childrens to their parents . then madm' , by saying all those stuff on the net openly and so much for no sense of insensitivity , does this help in making things better ? it's not that you can't say those stuff on the net . but if you really so , you're like opening a open war in the whole family o.p.e.n.l.y . please those stuff you wrote on fb , even people who have brains on their ass also know what the hell you mean . and what ? the part i'm angry about is you say ( translate from chinese ) : " one sick patient and one dead person .. " . eh , hello ? even if you're my somewhat-english-translate big aunt , whatever shit okay ? fyi , sick patient , my grandma , dead person , my grandpa . i don't give a fuck that they're you're parents-in-law so you're giving this kind of addressing of them , which is to me , fucking fucking fuckinggggg disrespectful to them . what shit is this ? if it's your own parents would you address them that way ? seriously , so old already don't so lame . if you want your what in-laws respectful to you , earn it . how ? be like one appropriate big daughter-in-law instead of talking cock there . stop hiding behind the computer and saying those stuff . mom doesn't like me saying it openly or directly , even if other relatives are not present . because she says walls have ears . yeah , whatever . since i'm a troublemaker , i don't care if you get to know or what . we'll have aface to face talk then . seriously , at least i've more guts than you . if you weren't this coward , i thought i could give you the least of respect you should have .

Recently , it seems like what I feel deep inside is really easily shown . Even through messages . It's true I'm sad , it's true I'm not okay . But still , I'm breathing right , living well . I lied to people , I lied to myself most importantly . Love , it's always been the very important thing or matter to me . Without it , I'm like a empty shell . Sames goes to everyone in the world . Love's what's filling up this world . All the dumb things , all the foolish words , everything that I did once just for love , I did those willingly . I've no regrets . Whether I'm clear of what I'm doing or I'm just doing it out of foolishness , no regrets . It doesn't matter if it just goes on to more than a guy that i really loved much . Well , people might say since it's more than a guy , then that's not really isn't it ? To me , no . True love exist not only in a guy . Because you love differently , definitely . No regrets , is what's I'm always doing . Even if it means to be a wrong thing , still , do it . No living with regrets . Right or wrong , yes or no , that's life .

indecisive

you know the feeling of having to choose between yes or no ? you've no other choice . it's either yes or no . and it's like your heart's screaming yes but your mind knows that no should be the correct path for you to take . get that feeling ? irritating ain't it ?

you're asking me back . and it's obvious that things will still be the same . my hearts screaming " just say yes ! " . but my mind's like " no , he's not that guy , yet " . i mean seriously . it's either i risk to get hurt or he change and we get back together . i want him . and the truth is , i may not need him , but he's just still as irreplaceable and important and definitely loved to me . he's the guy that i wanna be with . there may be some other guy in the future , like durh ? still for now , he's all i want . no one else . i'm waiting for all that provings , insurance , definite assurance and 100€€ percent sincerity from him , for me . i need them first before i can have him . to protect myself from him , to make him guilty and griefs when he can't keep those assurance . evil and selfish ain't i ? but that's what i've learnt from what we had before . i'm sorry . i miss you badly too , i just don't wanna say it . i don't wanna seem so soft-hearted and weak towards you . if i do , you'll definitely get your way through to trick me . i know okay ? i guess , i'll just have to wait then :/

On rainy days

When the world turns dark
And the rain quietly falls
Everything is still
Even today, without a doubt
I can’t get out of it
I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

Now, I know that it’s the end
I know that it’s all just foolishness
Now I know that it’s not true
I am just disappointed in myself for
Not being able to get a hold of you because of that pride

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

I must be drunk, I think I need to stop drinking
Since the rain is falling, I think I might fall as well
Well this doesn’t mean that I miss you, no it doesn’t mean that

It just means that the time we had together was a bit sharp
When it’s the type of day that you really liked
I keep opening the raw memories of you

Making the excuse that it’s all memories, I take a step forward
I don’t even make the effort to escape

Now, I erased all of you
I emptied out all of you
But when the rain falls again
All the memories of you I hid with effort
It all comes back, it must be looking for you

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

To you, Now there is no path for me to return
But looking at your happy face
I will still try to laugh since I was the one
Without the strength to stop you

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

What can I do about something that already ended?
I’m just regretting after like the stupid fool I am
Rain always falls so it will repeat again
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

Rain always falls so it will repeat again
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

" just when i felt like giving up on us , you turned€ around and gave me one last touch . that made everything feel better and even then my eyes got wetter . so confused wanna ask you if you love me , but i don't wanna seem so weak . maybe i've been california dreaming ... "

- "california king bed " rihanna

#weheartit

hot hot !

gaah .. fever . ve'been a long time since i've gotten one . cause of it , i have no idea . but it really kills . anyway , it gave me a really good excuse to not being able to attend school today . well , a break for me then (: but , for some reason , i just want to go to school and use up all my energy . reached home , lie down and just fall asleep . i want to live that way . my way of escaping i guess ? still , i wish this break could be longer . at least it's a good excuse for me to have my time to think of other things i guess ? grrh .. the moment i think that tomorrow i might have test my brain starts to cramp together . god ....

I just learnt

I didn't give up . I can't let go . I won't forget . Falling down , crying , getting hurt , all these , are they the price for being in a relationship or more of loving someone ? Is the price that high ? I choose to leave . I did . I'm trying to adapt . You're clearly don't care about all these . Then why am i caring about it ? It's clearly not love . It's not even to that standard . We're just more than friends , lesser than couples . Let's just accept the fact , we're just playing around . You think that you've liked or even loved me . You're wrong . It's just a moment of folly , a moment of mistake . You don't . You just need someone to be there for you when there's nobody around .

自己生病了，睡醒了眼睛一张开，第一个想到的是你。
应为想告诉你要照顾好自己，不要生病了。
睡觉前，想问你累吗？吃了吗？想知道你安然无恙才能好好地睡着。
自己在怎么忍耐也没关系。
痛也没关系。
眼泪存起来也没有用，留了就算了。
痛不是一时的吗？
痛了就算了，会过去的 ...

Liar

You know what i'm afraid ? I'm afraid of being unable to resist and go back to you . I'm afraid of loving you more . I'm afraid i can't get over you . How can i ever ? God damn it , i miss you , a lot . Whatever you do , i still mind . But you don't seem to . The only place where i can just express freely of how i still feel towards you is here . I'm constantly going to FB to check your status to know what's going around you . Your latest status was if anyone wants to know what's gonna happen to you will have to text you . How can i ever ? I mind everything about you . I want you to text me . I want you to call me . I want you back . I want you back badly . But i know it's not the way out for both of us . You're clearly happier this way . I want you to be happy even if i'm the one suffering . I'll bear , i can take it . I'll be okay , i'm okay ..

it just feels extra cold without you ..

#sotrue

even now ..

Okay , i got to admit . I'm freaking bored . Life with you is although no where better but life without you , sucks even more , to the core ..

sexy ~

DAFUQQ

OMG !!!

Ohmygod ! It's FUGGLING CUTE !!!!!! <3

makes me dizzy

@.@

" You're entitled to your opnion . But it's really my desicion " - Joss Stone

naive

Ain't she cute ? what a photogenic babe :D

that moment

Every girl wants to wear her gown and walks down the path with her meant-to-be . So who's gonna be that "him" ?

#reality

dying inside

i choose to leave . i choose to let go . i choose to give up . why ? cause i'm tired . tired and hurt . i'm sick and tired of the he-don't-cherish-you fact . seriously , just forget it alright ? you started out wrongly . as the matter of fact , in reality , we're only together for a month , not 9 . and that only month which it feels like we're together , is the month - november , when you've quited your job and before you went in ns . other than that nothing . it's my first day living without you , truly . it's familiar yet strange . guess i'll just have to get use to it . and god damn it , it feels like i'm dying inside

the above , " no matter who says you aren't good enough , FUCK THEM . You are perfect in your own way " , that was what i thought . Everything you said to me , i believed in them . No matter what other people say , I didn't listen to them . You told me to believe in you . I did . You told me to trust you . I did . You don't like me slack with serene . I don't slack . You don't like to hear me complaining about stuff . I don't complain . You don't like i always go out . I go out lesser . You don't like i contact zhaoen . I contact him super less . You want me to think in your shoes . I just tolerate with all your excuses . You want me to wait for 2 more months . I waited . What else you want ? Become your dog , need or not ? You give me all the excuses . I accept . Then whatever i do also cannot . I said before , you don't control me . Mr , the guys i slack with , all i know them longer than you . I know you not even 1 year yet . I know them for 6-7 years already , you tell me don't slack with them . What's wrong with you ? If you're so insecure , then do something . Don't just tell me don't do this don't do that . Why care me lesser than any of them ? When i call you to come find me , you give me this and that excuse . Worst , it's when i need you . But when i call them , they would come down straight . So can you tell me , they're better or you . You told me you'll be better than yh . But ? You're no where better than him . Just because you saw a picture that i took with a guy and we look close beside each other , you get angry then don't want tell me you book out or what shit . Seriously ? Then me ? Even when i angry you also expect me to cool down and contact you . If you can't even do anything for me , why should i ? You don't bother or care , why should i ? Fuck it seriously .

if you were me ..

ever wondered why i'm still hanging around by your side ?

ever remembered to wish me a happy anniversary ?

ever wondered why i'm always asking to meet you and when you don't i get angry ?

ever remembered that i said one last time , no more ?

so do you ever , ever wondered why i choose you ?

even if it's just one question from the above that you can only answer , it's okay . i just need one answer , ever wondered any of these ? or you don't even bother ? despite so many negative obstacles and talkings and critisims , all the boundaries , i didn't leave . i'm still hanging here , being someone who just keeps waiting and tolerating . whether you've done anything just to step back for me , even if you did , yahs , as the matter of fact , i don't see any .

i'm still hanging around not because "break-up" is something i can't tell you . it's not that i promised i wouldn't leave so even if i've nothing for you anymore , i'll still keep the promise like a stupid idiot . i'm staying because i love you . and the last reason i'll ever use to break up with you is , i don't love you anymore . the female lead character of " great expectations " , just makes me think i'm like her . stupidly waiting for something that is worthless . all i need is for you to choose - continue ? or you want a break up ? i'm letting you choose . whichever you choose , i still love you . if you're leaving then i'll just have to find a way to get over it .

i don't need any presents or surprise . all i need is a " baby , happy anniverysary " . but ? not a single msg , call or wish . nothing . or should i say it in this way ? - you don't even remember our anniversary do you ?

meeting you is because i needed to see you . every bad happenings that i have or anything sad things that i have on the day , i want you to be there . but since you don't like to hear all my complains , then forget about it . then at the least can i see you ? seeing you , to me , has always been a way of making me forget all the unhappy stuff . at the least , for a moment i can forget about everything . but if meeting me when i ask to ( most importantly i'm always the one asking you meet me . excuse me , you're my boyf ) , and you reject ( which is totally ungentleman and bastard ) , then i'm like being unhappy the whole day . it's like when i need you , where are you ?

i'm always telling you , one last time . one more time and it's over . but i just let it pass . so did you realise that ?

why i choose you ? cause i trusted you'll be the guy you said you would . remembered what you said to me ? " i'll be better than him . confirm ! " and ? you're no where better , really .

waiting , tolerating ..

it's always been my nature that i wait and tolerate alot in relationships . and apparently , it's the most stupid thing , ever . just like today . i'm waiting , till the last sec , for you to call or msg me to wish me happy anniversary . it's 11.10 pm . 50 more mins . i'm waiting .. this whole relationship , i've never ever regretted . it was my choice . i choosed to tolerate everything . i gave in everything for this relationship . no regrets . even if the end results is tragic . all the tears only proves how much i've did .

when ...

Rainy days

Been blogging really little these days . And now i know , how empty it feels . Well , things are still the same . Mmm .. More like getting worst . And i'm really not gonna care anymore . It's just so much to handle and irritating . I've already did all i can . And yet , nothing . I won't and don't want to bear anymore . That's the family thing . In studies , things are getting more stressful and challenging . Of course , i'm getting more and more restless :/ Relationship ? No where better . All the he's still in NS thing . Gaah ... 2 months , he said . Hope he means it :/

I believe

reflects

i've got this really bad habit of after watching a show , i would start thinking what if it happens on me ? i was watching this show , korean - secret garden . really addictive and nice show . though i didn't start from the beginning , but i roughly get the idea of it . some spell have been casted on this male lead . both leads are madly in love couples . something happened to female lead causing her to have coma . and here's the thing . whenever it rains , male lead's soul would swap with female lead . the love they have is so strong that , male lead sacrifice himself just to let female lead live . he has everything in the whole . but all he need is his woman to be alive , even if it means that he have to be in coma and die soon . thus , he went to the hospital in the middle of the night , carrying female lead away . he drove to the region near seoul with female lead , to the place where it's about to rain . then both soul swapped bodies . k , pause . this is just part of the whole show thing . this guy practically can do anything and everything for this woman . how many guys can do that ? and of course , so does the female lead . everything they do , they do for each other . if one dies , another's in hell . how madly in love can they be ? sometimes , all i want is a guy who can at least , just be his part . like what a boyf should be . i don't ask that he'd die for me . all i want is that , he just love me for who i am and truly . not just playing around with my feelings . i'm always scaring myself that he's not true towards me , the thing i'm afraid most . i love him . does he ? i hope he means it

Getting over it

Hey you , yeah , you . I'll get over all these . I don't want any sorrows or reminding of this friday the 13th . What we had before shall ends today , friday the 13th january . I'll get over these , I'll get through these . Or at the least i'll try . I over and done with all the " i can't get over all of our memories " . It's sickening . The more i think , i more i'll influence myself and think of the things we once had even more . It's not fair for him , not fair to me . And i don't wanna give a fuck if it's fair to you . I don't hate you . Just live your life . You don't even give a fuck about me at anymore , so why should i ? Just get over it .

totally cute

Aww .. I'm like imagining baobei do that :D

I understand

i don't know if she tried changing or at least bother to change . well , actually it doesn't concerns me . but the thing is , for once , i see my image in her . she make me remind of me .

first , i remind me that i used to be told for my problems . i tried changing . and i did change . but i ended having the same problems . when i change group a don't like . when i don't change group b don't like . so to me , i've given up in the idea of " changing to become better " whole load of shit . so maybe she did change , just that like me , the end product is the same . so she gave up . well , what's the point of changing ? selfish way of saying - i live for myself , not others . i'm the one who's living in this whole load of attitude , mood , character . it's me . so why do i have to change to what people hope for me to be . it's true that it'll help in life . but if changing is really that easy , then i can be spiderman tomorrow and superman the day after and powerpuff girls the day after i've been superman , isn't it ? so , kinda can understand her state of confusement and not understanding why people are judging her .

second , i've tried making people to trust that there are people who want to change . first 2 were fucking failures because since they've decided to trash their life with their own hands then they are crossed out of my " i thought i can trust you so i did and helped you " list . there's no point in wasting my time with people who don't want change when they say they needed help and hope for my trust and helping hand . son of a liar , just shut the fuck up and just go find jesus , maybe he'll help you in your " talk only " words . but there's this one person who did change - mr boyf . he did change . well , i know alright ? although they're small and slow changes , still i appreciate it . maybe to others they hope for big changes , immediate changes . me ? take your time . little changes make big differences . you were a fucking bastard . were . but now you've changed isn't it ? and i'm glad i trusted you and didn't let . best of all , you didn't disappoint me . while on the other hand , she's always saying she's tired of changing and people judging her . hey , ever wonder why it's " people " judging you and not " person " judging you ? it's a whole load of diff alright ? get that in you . just take your time , no ones rushing you . people do hope you to become a better person . and thanks to you , you changed me to . changed me to become a fucking tolerent meter . no joke . all the things we been through before , i learn to bear bear bear and bear with everything . it doesn't seem on the outside but it's true . so i hope you'll become better too . no hard feelings . we're chill . it's just that i can understand the whole thng . it's irritating . but if you're the one who has to do something , then do it . before you start regretting

Tiring and torturing

It's been long since I've been out chilling with friends . I've been coping with studies and staying at home since the day your NS started , somehow . Well , at least 89% is what I've did during the holidays . Why ? Simple , no mood . The 1st 2 weeks , I've been trying not to miss you . Well , it's hard though . No , more like missing you has always been hard . So how ? Tell me ? I don't want this . Not all this I'm missing you too much thing . I had that feeling before , and it just sucks like mad . And what happen ? I ending depending so much that when everything crashes , i had a super hard hell of a lifetime trying to get over it . Now i have to get over it again ? I really not as strong as you think . And no i don't want to tell you that I've miss you till I'm crying . Today in the movie theater , we watched a movie together . You haven't watched a movie for very long . Me here , as a matter of fact , miss watching movies with you . Watching movie is the thing we will always do whenever we meet . No matter what time it is , we'll always have a movie together . And the days without watching movie with you , is just so hard . Am i extravaganting things ? You're just going NS and I'm being like this way ? I know things are hard for you in camp . That's why i can't use the crying thing to pressure you . To me now , as long as i can be strong in front of you , i will . When i can swallow down all those sorrow , i will . I can't show you how much i miss you when I'm with you . The smell of your shirt , your hugs , you holding my hand , how much i miss them . If i can , i would hug you and cry in your arms . During the movie , i wrapped my arms around yours . When i leaned my head on your shoulder , and i smelled your shirt , I couldn't bear but let a few tears out . What have you done to make me miss you so much ? It's just tiring and torturing . But all i can tell myself is , just smile . Things will pass fast and well .