when ...

Rainy days

Been blogging really little these days . And now i know , how empty it feels . Well , things are still the same . Mmm .. More like getting worst . And i'm really not gonna care anymore . It's just so much to handle and irritating . I've already did all i can . And yet , nothing . I won't and don't want to bear anymore . That's the family thing . In studies , things are getting more stressful and challenging . Of course , i'm getting more and more restless :/ Relationship ? No where better . All the he's still in NS thing . Gaah ... 2 months , he said . Hope he means it :/

I believe

reflects

i've got this really bad habit of after watching a show , i would start thinking what if it happens on me ? i was watching this show , korean - secret garden . really addictive and nice show . though i didn't start from the beginning , but i roughly get the idea of it . some spell have been casted on this male lead . both leads are madly in love couples . something happened to female lead causing her to have coma . and here's the thing . whenever it rains , male lead's soul would swap with female lead . the love they have is so strong that , male lead sacrifice himself just to let female lead live . he has everything in the whole . but all he need is his woman to be alive , even if it means that he have to be in coma and die soon . thus , he went to the hospital in the middle of the night , carrying female lead away . he drove to the region near seoul with female lead , to the place where it's about to rain . then both soul swapped bodies . k , pause . this is just part of the whole show thing . this guy practically can do anything and everything for this woman . how many guys can do that ? and of course , so does the female lead . everything they do , they do for each other . if one dies , another's in hell . how madly in love can they be ? sometimes , all i want is a guy who can at least , just be his part . like what a boyf should be . i don't ask that he'd die for me . all i want is that , he just love me for who i am and truly . not just playing around with my feelings . i'm always scaring myself that he's not true towards me , the thing i'm afraid most . i love him . does he ? i hope he means it

Getting over it

Hey you , yeah , you . I'll get over all these . I don't want any sorrows or reminding of this friday the 13th . What we had before shall ends today , friday the 13th january . I'll get over these , I'll get through these . Or at the least i'll try . I over and done with all the " i can't get over all of our memories " . It's sickening . The more i think , i more i'll influence myself and think of the things we once had even more . It's not fair for him , not fair to me . And i don't wanna give a fuck if it's fair to you . I don't hate you . Just live your life . You don't even give a fuck about me at anymore , so why should i ? Just get over it .

totally cute

Aww .. I'm like imagining baobei do that :D

I understand

i don't know if she tried changing or at least bother to change . well , actually it doesn't concerns me . but the thing is , for once , i see my image in her . she make me remind of me .

first , i remind me that i used to be told for my problems . i tried changing . and i did change . but i ended having the same problems . when i change group a don't like . when i don't change group b don't like . so to me , i've given up in the idea of " changing to become better " whole load of shit . so maybe she did change , just that like me , the end product is the same . so she gave up . well , what's the point of changing ? selfish way of saying - i live for myself , not others . i'm the one who's living in this whole load of attitude , mood , character . it's me . so why do i have to change to what people hope for me to be . it's true that it'll help in life . but if changing is really that easy , then i can be spiderman tomorrow and superman the day after and powerpuff girls the day after i've been superman , isn't it ? so , kinda can understand her state of confusement and not understanding why people are judging her .

second , i've tried making people to trust that there are people who want to change . first 2 were fucking failures because since they've decided to trash their life with their own hands then they are crossed out of my " i thought i can trust you so i did and helped you " list . there's no point in wasting my time with people who don't want change when they say they needed help and hope for my trust and helping hand . son of a liar , just shut the fuck up and just go find jesus , maybe he'll help you in your " talk only " words . but there's this one person who did change - mr boyf . he did change . well , i know alright ? although they're small and slow changes , still i appreciate it . maybe to others they hope for big changes , immediate changes . me ? take your time . little changes make big differences . you were a fucking bastard . were . but now you've changed isn't it ? and i'm glad i trusted you and didn't let . best of all , you didn't disappoint me . while on the other hand , she's always saying she's tired of changing and people judging her . hey , ever wonder why it's " people " judging you and not " person " judging you ? it's a whole load of diff alright ? get that in you . just take your time , no ones rushing you . people do hope you to become a better person . and thanks to you , you changed me to . changed me to become a fucking tolerent meter . no joke . all the things we been through before , i learn to bear bear bear and bear with everything . it doesn't seem on the outside but it's true . so i hope you'll become better too . no hard feelings . we're chill . it's just that i can understand the whole thng . it's irritating . but if you're the one who has to do something , then do it . before you start regretting

Tiring and torturing

It's been long since I've been out chilling with friends . I've been coping with studies and staying at home since the day your NS started , somehow . Well , at least 89% is what I've did during the holidays . Why ? Simple , no mood . The 1st 2 weeks , I've been trying not to miss you . Well , it's hard though . No , more like missing you has always been hard . So how ? Tell me ? I don't want this . Not all this I'm missing you too much thing . I had that feeling before , and it just sucks like mad . And what happen ? I ending depending so much that when everything crashes , i had a super hard hell of a lifetime trying to get over it . Now i have to get over it again ? I really not as strong as you think . And no i don't want to tell you that I've miss you till I'm crying . Today in the movie theater , we watched a movie together . You haven't watched a movie for very long . Me here , as a matter of fact , miss watching movies with you . Watching movie is the thing we will always do whenever we meet . No matter what time it is , we'll always have a movie together . And the days without watching movie with you , is just so hard . Am i extravaganting things ? You're just going NS and I'm being like this way ? I know things are hard for you in camp . That's why i can't use the crying thing to pressure you . To me now , as long as i can be strong in front of you , i will . When i can swallow down all those sorrow , i will . I can't show you how much i miss you when I'm with you . The smell of your shirt , your hugs , you holding my hand , how much i miss them . If i can , i would hug you and cry in your arms . During the movie , i wrapped my arms around yours . When i leaned my head on your shoulder , and i smelled your shirt , I couldn't bear but let a few tears out . What have you done to make me miss you so much ? It's just tiring and torturing . But all i can tell myself is , just smile . Things will pass fast and well .