heartwrenching

i've no idea why . i'm thinking of him suddenly . him as in mr 13/4 . yeah , friday the 13th . and i'm crying deep down inside . i don't know is any of you had felt this way before : there's no tears from your eyes . but somewhat , somehow , deep down inside you know there's this you crying like mad . crying so hard that you have the symptons of after crying such as running nose and sobs .

today just before i'm gonna sleep , my wish for my dream is : " did he really 2-timed me ? " . no joke . i've asked him before he said no . i saw lies in his eyes and heard lies from his voice . his friends said he's with that girl . i choosed to listen to his friends and left , heartlessly . but what i'm thinking now is , did i misunderstand him ?

i had the urge to call zhaoen or contact his friends to help me ask him out to meet me face to face to answer me my doubts . i know if the people around knows if i asked him out just to find out my answer , i'll be killed . and zhaoen wouldn't help me . he may help , but he'll be super angry . but i really want so badly to know . the instance we broke up till now . how long has it been ? 1 year + ? i know i'll regret if i don't find out . but i want to ask him about it only when he's single . i don't want to seem as if i'm psycho-ing him or something to his girlf if he's attach . i just want to know it peacefully . but when i went to check on fb , he's attach . and secondly , that girl has been with him , if i'm not wrong , since last year . which is actually a few months already . that tells me he really love that girl . i'm glad just like i've wished , he's having a sweet and long relationship . a better one with a better girl . i'm really glad . but why it is that , it felt like a knife just drive through my heart ? i'm serious . that's how i'm feeling .

i know he's not the same . and maybe if all between us was really a misunderstanding , he didn't lied , he'll never forgive me . we'll just be strangers forever . he has freedom now . probably a relationship with both side parents agreed . a blessed relationship , long lasting sweet , better relationship . he might have forgotten me . he might have forgotten what we shared . me ? never . everywhere i go there'll be something , somewhere , somewhat , somehow , that'll link to him . he's the sweetest guy i've ever been with . he's the guy who understands me most that i've ever been . he's the guy who made me realise " i've fallen in love " . i don't need anything . i just need that answer . that's all . whether if he'll ever hate me , i'm fine with it . whether he lied or not , i deserve it .

why hide behind the net ?

went back malaysia for some stuff and got to find out some ridiculously lame things . okay , if it's just relatives around my age or bigger€/younger by a few age , then it's reasonable . madm' , 21st century , 50 plus years old i think , and you're full of lame shit ? seriously ? saying stuff on the net about how pitiful you are , getting quotes or sayings from your favourite writer or speech person , and bad mouth your own family people like no tomorrow . best part is , they're in your friend list . hey , you really think we're all dumb . no doubt that , of course , you can complain and write whatever you want in the net , still . okay , you're the one who mention a part something related to the family also not union anymore , and what got people die already then start burning stuff as if they're super good childrens to their parents . then madm' , by saying all those stuff on the net openly and so much for no sense of insensitivity , does this help in making things better ? it's not that you can't say those stuff on the net . but if you really so , you're like opening a open war in the whole family o.p.e.n.l.y . please those stuff you wrote on fb , even people who have brains on their ass also know what the hell you mean . and what ? the part i'm angry about is you say ( translate from chinese ) : " one sick patient and one dead person .. " . eh , hello ? even if you're my somewhat-english-translate big aunt , whatever shit okay ? fyi , sick patient , my grandma , dead person , my grandpa . i don't give a fuck that they're you're parents-in-law so you're giving this kind of addressing of them , which is to me , fucking fucking fuckinggggg disrespectful to them . what shit is this ? if it's your own parents would you address them that way ? seriously , so old already don't so lame . if you want your what in-laws respectful to you , earn it . how ? be like one appropriate big daughter-in-law instead of talking cock there . stop hiding behind the computer and saying those stuff . mom doesn't like me saying it openly or directly , even if other relatives are not present . because she says walls have ears . yeah , whatever . since i'm a troublemaker , i don't care if you get to know or what . we'll have aface to face talk then . seriously , at least i've more guts than you . if you weren't this coward , i thought i could give you the least of respect you should have .

Recently , it seems like what I feel deep inside is really easily shown . Even through messages . It's true I'm sad , it's true I'm not okay . But still , I'm breathing right , living well . I lied to people , I lied to myself most importantly . Love , it's always been the very important thing or matter to me . Without it , I'm like a empty shell . Sames goes to everyone in the world . Love's what's filling up this world . All the dumb things , all the foolish words , everything that I did once just for love , I did those willingly . I've no regrets . Whether I'm clear of what I'm doing or I'm just doing it out of foolishness , no regrets . It doesn't matter if it just goes on to more than a guy that i really loved much . Well , people might say since it's more than a guy , then that's not really isn't it ? To me , no . True love exist not only in a guy . Because you love differently , definitely . No regrets , is what's I'm always doing . Even if it means to be a wrong thing , still , do it . No living with regrets . Right or wrong , yes or no , that's life .

indecisive

you know the feeling of having to choose between yes or no ? you've no other choice . it's either yes or no . and it's like your heart's screaming yes but your mind knows that no should be the correct path for you to take . get that feeling ? irritating ain't it ?

you're asking me back . and it's obvious that things will still be the same . my hearts screaming " just say yes ! " . but my mind's like " no , he's not that guy , yet " . i mean seriously . it's either i risk to get hurt or he change and we get back together . i want him . and the truth is , i may not need him , but he's just still as irreplaceable and important and definitely loved to me . he's the guy that i wanna be with . there may be some other guy in the future , like durh ? still for now , he's all i want . no one else . i'm waiting for all that provings , insurance , definite assurance and 100€€ percent sincerity from him , for me . i need them first before i can have him . to protect myself from him , to make him guilty and griefs when he can't keep those assurance . evil and selfish ain't i ? but that's what i've learnt from what we had before . i'm sorry . i miss you badly too , i just don't wanna say it . i don't wanna seem so soft-hearted and weak towards you . if i do , you'll definitely get your way through to trick me . i know okay ? i guess , i'll just have to wait then :/

On rainy days

When the world turns dark
And the rain quietly falls
Everything is still
Even today, without a doubt
I can’t get out of it
I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

Now, I know that it’s the end
I know that it’s all just foolishness
Now I know that it’s not true
I am just disappointed in myself for
Not being able to get a hold of you because of that pride

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

I must be drunk, I think I need to stop drinking
Since the rain is falling, I think I might fall as well
Well this doesn’t mean that I miss you, no it doesn’t mean that

It just means that the time we had together was a bit sharp
When it’s the type of day that you really liked
I keep opening the raw memories of you

Making the excuse that it’s all memories, I take a step forward
I don’t even make the effort to escape

Now, I erased all of you
I emptied out all of you
But when the rain falls again
All the memories of you I hid with effort
It all comes back, it must be looking for you

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

To you, Now there is no path for me to return
But looking at your happy face
I will still try to laugh since I was the one
Without the strength to stop you

On the rainy days you come and find me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

What can I do about something that already ended?
I’m just regretting after like the stupid fool I am
Rain always falls so it will repeat again
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

Rain always falls so it will repeat again
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

" just when i felt like giving up on us , you turned€ around and gave me one last touch . that made everything feel better and even then my eyes got wetter . so confused wanna ask you if you love me , but i don't wanna seem so weak . maybe i've been california dreaming ... "

- "california king bed " rihanna